In my counseling practice (and hey lets get real) my own life, many of us are struggling with self-esteem and feeling good about ourselves. You don’t have to look farther than the screen your reading now to be bombarded with photo-shopped. filtered, unrealistic images of how your life could be, and how you are lacking in every single area.
You aren’t alone in having ugly days. You aren’t alone in feeling inferior. You aren’t alone in wanting something more to life. You aren’t alone in wanting to have confidence.
It is not fair and it is time to get real. My reality check is that self-esteem doesn’t have to come from how you look. In fact the whole inner voice thing really rings true here, it comes from the way you think of yourself at the core.
Thank the Lord because there are days when that camera catches you with a full on rats nest, looking pale from lack of sleep, dark circles and just not feeling pretty. We all have good days and bad days, but don’t let a bad day turn into a downward spiral of trash talk that is carried around indefinitely.
Here are a couple tips you can use TODAY to turn that spiral around:
Identify your biggest negative self-talk loops. Maybe you’re constantly beating yourself up over your appearance, your work performance, your relationship with your in-laws…whatever it may be, know that we all have areas in our lives where we become mentally stuck like a broken record. The problem with the negative narratives that play on repeat is that we start to believe them after a while, even if they’re not 100% true.
Are you really worthless, inferior, or whatever insult you’ve started to identify with? Maybe your doctor says you actually do need to lose weight, or you know that really did underperform at work last quarter. (The way in which you frame these things makes a difference, and taking them out of context doesn’t help.) Before you can even unpack the issue, you need to identify what it is. Write down the negative things you say to yourself, even if you honestly believe them right now. Just make a very raw, stream-of-consciousness list that you can dissect later.
Get some perspective. Once you have your list, you can contextualize each item. Let’s take the weight issues, since it comes up often among women. Maybe it’s true that you’re 20 pounds overweight, but it might also be true that you just had a baby, are recovering from surgery, or went through something incredibly stressful in the last year.
Sometimes it takes standing back and looking at the situation objectively. You can ask a friend for help with this. Distinguish fact from fiction, and cut yourself some slack where possible. Then, take whatever truth remains and do something about it. Make a plan of action and start working toward your goals so you start to feel a sense of control over your own life. As you start to make progress, you’ll feel better and better about yourself.
You are not your circumstances. Be honest: are you making excuses? Are you wallowing in self-pity? Are you getting something by playing the victim role? Are you comparing yourself to other people? Start where you are right now and do what you can, even if it means taking the smallest of steps. And stop defining your life by an event that happened to you. If this seems impossible, read a few biographies of people that overcame all odds to get to where they are today. Oprah, anyone??
Meditate, pray, go for a hike, or find solitude. Cultivate a practice that gets you in touch with who you really are, stripped of everything this world says you should and shouldn’t be. Spend time with animals. Get some air. There is such a thing as being too close to a situation to see it clearly. Focus on what really matters in life.
Do for others. If you want to feel love, be loving. If you want to feel abundance, be generous. Volunteer your time to an organization or simply to a friend in need, and you’ll be so busy thinking of other people that your worries will melt away (if only temporarily). You’ll likely leave feeling inspired, and you’ll know that YOU made a difference. Talk about a self-esteem boost!
Eat right and exercise. This has nothing to do with losing weight and everything to do with raising endorphins (the happy chemicals) and lowering cortisol (the stress hormone). You’ll feel better about yourself when you physically feel better! Exhaustion, insomnia, lack of energy, and digestive issue are bound to make anyone feel bad about herself.
Any other tips I missed? How do you cope with a down day?
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