Grief and loss can be so complicated. Even in the midst of enjoying a fun-filled holiday season you can suddenly get struck down with feelings of sadness and pain. Whether you have lost a precious loved one (or pet-they count too) recently or years ago it is important to allow yourself some time and space you need to cope with these feelings.
Here are some of my best tips to process grief and get to a better place during the holiday season and beyond:
- Admit that it’s just not the same.You don’t have to pretend everything is OK or go on as if nothing happened. The holidays are going to be different and there are going to be difficult moments. You don’t have to recreate the festivities in the exact same way, if it only reminds you of your loved one (unless, of course, doing so makes you feel better). If the thought of sending out Christmas cards depresses you, skip it. The same goes with decorating, baking, and anything else you might be scared to do right now. And whatever you do, don’t overcommit!
- Understand that others might be grieving differently.While being together with everyone in your family might make you feel better, someone else might cope by being alone. If you try to force someone to grieve in the same way that you do, you’ll only brew resentment. It’s important that you’re honest with your family and friends about what you do and don’t want to do for the holidays this year, which will open up the lines of communication.
- Give on behalf of your loved one.You can gift her possessions to friends and family who will appreciate the items, or donate them to an organization in need. Make a donation to his non-profit of choice in his name. Buy a gift you would have purchased for her and donate it to a local charity. Sponsor a family for the holidays in his name. You can even volunteer with an organization that coordinates gifts or meals, or any other organization that helps you remember your loved one in the spirit of giving.
- Pull out the old photo albums from holidays past. Talk about or write about your favorite memories. Light a memorial candle. Visit his gravesite. If you’re worried about losing the person’s memory or you feel more connected by remembering her, make time to stroll down memory lane.
- Reach out to others who have lost someone.Like it or not, you’re part of a club. You have this shared understanding that you didn’t have before. Contact your friends who have been through the grieving process, even just to say, “I never truly understood what you were going through, and now I do.” Your bond will instantly be greater.
- Talk to the kids about what’s happening.They are bound to be sad and confused themselves. Tell them that it’s OK to feel both happy and sad. Don’t pretend the kids aren’t there, or that everything is business as usual. Consider doing amemorial activity together to help them process their feelings.
- Anything can be a trigger, even years after you lose someone and do all the “right” grieving work. You’re only human, so don’t beat yourself up if random things leave you crying in public.
- Prioritize yourself. You need real self-care right now, which includes asking for and accepting help. Identify the people who will be the best support group for you right now and spend your time with them. It’s also important to remember that the holidays are a hectic time, so making time for yourself through meditation, yoga, exercise, perhaps attending a grief support group and/or getting some one-on-one therapy should be on the top of your list. It’s common for people who are grieving to overspend or overeat to make themselves feel better. While splurging on a special gift for yourself or enjoying a holiday meal is perfectly fine, moderation is key. Otherwise, we become self-destructive, which is the opposite of caring for ourselves.
- Don’t feel guilty for feeling happy.(In fact, don’t feel guilty for feeling sad or angry or for any choice you make!) The holidays are meant to be enjoyed. Your loved one would want you to have fun. Don’t worry about people judging you for not being sad enough or any other garbage your ego tries to dump on you.
- Skip the holidays altogether.It’s OK to get away from it all, too. You’re not running away from your problems if you go on a vacation or choose to spend the holidays in an entirely different way than what you think is expected of you.
- Talk to a counselor. Sometimes an unbiased ear is what you need to process the grief and emotions you still are carrying. You never have to forget the person or “move on” from them, but learning new coping and memorial strategies can be so beneficial.
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