As much as I want to be one of those chill, nothing-bothers-me moms, in reality I yell… a lot. In fact, I’m ashamed of how often I raise my voice at my son. You can usually gauge just how hard of a day I have had by the how much shouting I’m doing by the end of it. I know something’s gotta give. It’s been proven (many times) that yelling negatively effects our kids’ development and as a therapist, I meet adults who vividly remember being yelled at as children. So here are a few tricks I’m going to try in my attempt to kick this habit, and you can, too:
Put yourself in timeout.Leave the room to avoid a major explosion. You know that yelling isn’t going to get you anywhere. You’ll likely just regret the whole thing. Go take a few deep breaths, step outside, write down every uncensored thing you are thinking and/or feeing, do a yoga pose, say a prayer, or do whatever you need to get your blood pressure back to normal. Then head back into the war zone as a more rational version of yourself. It’s also a great way to model appropriate behavior. You can explain how you’re feeling and what you’re going to do to calm yourself down, and then reference that later when your child seems to be angry himself.
Try reverse psychology.Whisper your request to your kids. It throws them off-guard and forces you to take things down a notch. It might only work for a moment, but it changes the dynamics in the room. Sometimes not talking to them at all for a little while can be effective, too, because it shows them that you’re not going to pay attention to negative behavior. Another unwanted side effect from yelling can be that the child learns they get your attention when they misbehave. (Negative attention is still attention.)
Be on the lookout for patterns.Feel like you are living the movie Groundhog Day? If the same situation seems to happen repeatedly, look for common denominators. (This is where journaling or making a list while you’re in timeout can really come in handy.) Identifying your triggers ahead of time can stop the entire thing from escalating in the first place. And, there might even be a simple solution to the root problem, like giving your child more choices, making bedtime earlier, or picking your battles.
Sing. When all else fails and you are ready to blow, sing the words you want to scream. Even if they aren’t the nicest lyrics it helps calm the situation and your kids see you being silly and aren’t threatened. “I want to run away, I can’t take this anymore” sung to the tune of row, row, row your boat may just do the trick.
Changing behaviors takes time and commitment. Be patient with yourself if you slip up in the process. You’re only human and raising kids is hard! Know that you’re not the only one in this position. Find other moms you can vent to, and make sure to make time for self-care. You can read the rest of my tips over on the Detroit Moms’ Blog.
Are you a yeller? What have you tried in your attempt to turn down the volume?
Danielle says
I love the singing suggestion! I’m going to have to try that one! That will certainly lighten up the situation.