My counselor-client relationships are unbelievably unique. They are trusting me to hold onto and help them make sense of their deepest secrets, fears, challenges. Over the years I have heard hundreds of hours of these personal journeys, struggles and triumphs. Some nights I leave the office feeling so empowered by the resilience of human beings, and I have a huge smile in my heart. Other days I hear such tragic, painful stories that make me question humanity and even the meaning of life.
There are some common themes to my sessions and I have written them down to share. If I think I am having a bad day or failing into some self-wallowing I remember that:
–You Don’t Want Someone Else’s Life. Even if the person seems absolutely perfect and has everything you could ever dream of. Well…their life would completely fulfill you and you would never complain again right? Sadly the reality is that it can’t. It never could. It simply isn’t your life to live.
In fact they are probably looking at someone else just they way you are them, and wanting their life. The problem is we are often only allowed to see the good things and the happy moments, not the negatives, the sickness, the unhappiness, the arguing, the tears.
Even if you were able to do some kind of body transplant and swap lives you would have to swap all of their life. This includes those problems listed above they never shared publicly. Maybe they actually want a divorce, maybe being a parent has pushed them to their breaking point, maybe they struggle with depression, maybe they have a hidden eating disorder. You just never know what someone else is going through.
–Life is Short. Quite a bit of my practice involves grief work. The one thing that is repeated every single time is “there just wasn’t enough time”. Time to say goodbye, time to tell them what you really felt (positive or negative), time to learn life lessons, time to just be with them.
The saying don’t put off till tomorrow what can be done today has never rung so true for me then after leaving a grief session. We take time for granted and assume tomorrow will always be there for ourselves, for our partners, for our loved ones. But its not always and it isn’t fair.
Enjoy what you have now, do the things with the people you want to now, live your life in the now. Make the phone calls to loved ones, take the trips, say what is on your mind, put your phone down and remember what its like with your child this age, simply marvel at the stars in the sky. If you’re reading this now you are alive and that is a privilege not everyone we have known still has. Lets make the most out of it right now.
–Somehow We All Survive. The strongest, most well adjusted people I have seen have been through some of the worst abuse, neglect and trauma you could imagine. I don’t shy away from telling them that either in session. I make sure they know how awesome they are for coming through to the other side and surviving, thriving, living. If you have made it through any kind of struggle and lived to tell about it, you are amazing too.
So just know that no matter what you have been through, your past will affect you but doesn’t have to define you or predict your future. The past is the past, you are no longer that same person. Of course it will affect the lens that you view the world through, but a happy life is possible. Therapy, good friends, working towards a life goal, these are a few things that can help put you back together and keep surviving.
–Don’t Say I’ll Be Happy When…That is a deadly trap of thinking and procrastinating that people get stuck in. Its one of the most frustrating things as a counselor too when you have someone who wants to change, but isn’t ready or willing to put in the work. Daydreaming about the future you want is a great motivation and helps you visualize the life you want. But waiting to make a change or a move until the stars align and everything is perfect just isn’t going to happen. It is a way out of it.
Just like the life is grief bullet above, we aren’t guaranteed that time to wait it out until (insert your excuse here). Oh I’ll make a change when my kids are older, when my boss finally respects me, when I get a raise at work, when my husband is home more. I have heard every excuse and guess what? That perfect time never really comes for anyone and so their goal is gone.
–Friends Can Be Family. Just because you share DNA with someone does not mean you have to spend time with them if they are a bad person. Once you are an adult you can chose who you spend your precious time with. You already know that life is short. Spend time with people who inspire you to be a better person and make you feel good. You do not have to be around abusvie, cruel people because they are family. This can be hard for people to accept. At least limiting time can be a good first step.
I hope these in session schoolings rang true for you just as they do for me after every client leaves my door.
Kathy says
Very good insights. Thank you Kelly!