Being married to a physician myself for almost 10 years now I have heard the struggles of countless friends and women in relationships with doctors. Many of the concerns are the same, despite the uniqueness for each specialty and household. Here are the top three I have come across and some suggestions I can offer to help ease the medical melees.
#1. Being treated like an OR nurse instead of a wife
Lots of physician wives have expressed concern that their husband just can’t turn off doctor mode when he comes home from the hospital. Our husbands are usually used to taking charge and making demands at work, it comes with the territory of life and death situations and decision-making. Somehow “give me the knife now” has a different ring to it when it is said to you at the dinner table versus a scrub tech at the hospital.
I think the core of this is taking work home and failing to disconnect the job from play. He may not even be aware of how his tone comes across to you. One remedy is having a calm, loving discussion about how you feel. Not a screaming match of “how dare you talk to me this way!!” but more of an open discussion about his stress level and ways he can decompress while explaining how his attitude and words are making you feel. Make it a win-win so both of you can spend more relaxed, quality time together and get your needs met.
#2. Losing the spark in your marriage
Make sure you have regular nights for you just as a couple and keep “dating” each other. Remember how you felt on your first date? Nervous, excited and probably looking amazing! Don’t let that fall by the wayside. Treat dates as a way to rekindle that spark again. It doesn’t have to be an expensive night out either. Do something fun that you both enjoy: movies, wine tastings, making cookies (chocolate chip is the only answer here ha) at home, renting a movie on demand, get a couple’s massage. Just break the monotony of everyday life and spend time together not in a hospital setting.
#3. He is never home to enjoy (insert holiday, birthday, special event here)
Many special events can feel empty when your spouse is on call or can’t be there for them. We all have spent lonely birthdays or empty Christmases due to the hospital coming first-it is simply a doctors wife fact of life. But instead of sulking and complaining a positive way to cope is to stop looking at what is lacking, and try to reframe it about what another family is getting.
That family may be getting a second chance at a life due to a surgery performed. A child may be getting their once-active father back who faced paralysis. A mom will be able to love her child longer because he is making a decision that will prolong his life. Medicine is a calling and it certainly calls 24/7. Medical families know this sacrifice all too well and handle it with grace. Besides it makes us appreciate even more what we have.
Remember why you married this person. What attracted you to them in the first place? When going through a rough patch I try to remember the person I fell in love with and all of the admirable qualities he has. Yeah he may be different now, but so am I. There was a reason we wanted to tie the knot and he has played a huge role in making me the person I am now. What is the reason you are matched with this person?
Suzanne says
These are such good reminders for keeping a marriage strong!
Kelly says
Thanks for taking the time to read 🙂