Today’s families are feeling more overwhelmed, overworked and overbooked than any other generation. Several variables cause parental burnout such as the number of children, their ages and any special needs the children may have. For physician families, they deal with even more troubling statistics: according to Psychology Today, doctors have significantly higher rates of depression, divorce and substance abuse than the general population.
The overall focus on physician wellness has become less taboo, andthere is a stronger push to challenge this stigma across media from doctor blogs to peer-reviewed articles. Prospective job offers are now heavily emphasizing lifestyle and quality of life as incentives for recruitment. But we are long overdue for a physician wellness movement. The long hours aren’t only emotionally demanding for the physician, but also for their spouse andchildren. As a physician family, we often struggle to find more energy to be a patient and attentive parent.
Skip over the sleepless nights, the endless diaper changes, the chasing of a rambunctious toddler, and parenting is mostly emotional work. Even when the child is sleeping, parents carry an invisible mental load of to-do lists, behavior corrections, regrettable words, and tear-jerking, heart-warming moments. Adding to the parental pressure, a physician also carries the weight of a complex patient, a dying person’s last words or a life-changing diagnosis.
Coming home from a long shift is both physically and emotionally draining, leaving little left for a physician’s own family. Medical school students, residents, andattendings know all too well what it’s like to leavebefore the kids are awake and to come home by the time they’re already in bed. Only seeing a fraction of their children’s lives is devastating and difficult to reconcile. The physician’s co-parent also carries a uniqueform of burnout. Regardless if they work out of the home or are stay-at-home parents, the co-parent is often left carrying the physical and emotional weight of both parents while feeling unacknowledged and underappreciated.
Children can also have a difficult time managing their relationship with their physician-parent. No matter the age, from infants to teenagers, our children want to have an attentive parent doling out compassion and praise. They can be confused and hurt if they feel isolated from their physician-parent. They may act up with bad behavior or push the parent away when they are around, leading to more dysfunction.
Ironically, articles geared toward parenting tips can lead to more stress as parents intrinsically struggle with not being good enough or needing to be a better version of oneself. Physician families are already knee-deep in fighting for time, a desire to be a better parent and spouse, all while balancing physician life. Time spent with family isn’t an easy or realistic fix for physicians, but what matters is most is the quality of time. Listed below are four achievable ways a physician can change their patterns to reflect the quality parent they strive to be.
- Schedule an hour or two without your phone, TV or other distractions to build quality family time.If you can find just one hour to spend watching your child play, laughing with them, and giving them your undivided attention, that’s the moments they will remember. On the other hand, some older kids and teenagers find playing video games or watching a movie with their parent to be a bondingtime. Tap intoyour child’s favorite hobby and give them your undivided attention. That means no phones during the movie, too. Use the activity as a springboard into a connected conversation.
. - Plan weekly family check-ins to honestly talk. Go around the dinner table (or breakfast nook or school drop off, wherever you can find that time to sit down) asking each family member to share a high and low moment from the week. Use this time to catch up on small details often overlooked as we spend daysrushing from one activity to another. This conversation can help you think about what you as the parents can do differently to make the upcoming week better.
. - Leave compliments to your spouse and children with a letter or quick note. A small daily message on the refrigerator each morning or setting a reminder in your phone to send a brief text to each family member will let them know you’re thinking of them. Bonus if you are tracking your child’s big project or tryouts, acknowledging this moment will help strengthen your bond. Your spouse will appreciate just hearing that you recognize their hard work and that they are on your mind.
. - The people closest to us often know us better than we know ourselves, so a spouse can help tune things up by acknowledging what the physician spouse needs. Discussing together in a nonjudgmental and calm manner to suggest ways of improving each other’s life will ultimately be better off for everyone. Maybe the spouse knows the physician needs just 30 minutes of quiet time when they get home to decompress and then they can give their full, undivided attention. Come from a genuine place for understanding and this conversation can be a win-win for the whole family.
. - Make time for family bonding. Time is the only thing we can’t buy more of or get back when it’s gone. When a physician works 100 hours a week, it’s impossible to find the timewhere everyone’s schedule lines up to spend time together. That’s why it’s important to schedule time together when there is a break in the schedule. If hiking or biking is an activity,the physician loves to do, encourage the whole family to take part. Write it on the family calendar and add it into everyone’s phone or planner. It is takingthe initiative to make the time and set it aside for family bonding that is invaluable and priceless.
You shouldn’t feel that this article is giving you more reasons to feel overwhelmed by unrealistic expectations. Most physician families are doing the best they can giventhe gruelinglifestyle. Don’t feel overwhelmed by any to-dos listed here.
Take a big breath and focus on the quality time you can spend with your family.
This article was previously published in the print version of Physician Family magazine.
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