Kelly & Chel are two friends brought together by their unending search for answers to life’s tough questions (including, Which one really was the best boy band of the 90’s?). Kelly is a Michigan-based licensed therapist who loves public speaking (what!?) as much as her boy bands. Chel is a South Florida living, Manhattan-drinking, weird-art-loving, community supporter. Get their take on this week’s hot topic, and for reassurance that you’re totally normal, despite what social media depicts.
Oh motherhood. There are entire blogs dedicated to telling you how to do it and how you’re doing it wrong. This is not one of those blog posts. Today we are going to be chatting about how to make friends as a mom. If it sounds like a horror movie title well, you’re right, it can be. Here is our unsolcited advice on how we met our matches and how you can too.
THE MOM TRIBE
Kelly (K):
The elusive “mom tribe”: a utopia of friends with children around the same age who meet regularly to vent, drink wine and save their sanities. Since I had my son 4 years ago I was on the hunt to find it and infiltrate it quickly. My sanity surely needed some saving. Four years and one daughter later I still havent found it, or at least found one that was utopia to me.
Was it them or was it me? I never felt at home or connected on a deeper level. I was always somehow on the outside and didn’t quite fit in for different reasons. Instead of feeling relief and unity, I felt like I was back in high school again. Aside from all of us having babies in the spring of ’15 and ’18 that’s where our similarities ended.
I couldn’t find my tribe and that’s OK. Recently I realized I don’t need a tribe. Im ok without one. I have my core group of tried and true girlfriends some with and some without kids. They help me feel complete as a woman and a mother. I don’t have pictures with my tribe at a weekly formal meet up but that’s ok and maybe that’s just what I need right now. Maybe I created my own tribe all along.
Chel (C):
While I am a big believer in “it takes a village,” I think the narrative of “find your tribe” is actually harmful. We tell ourselves that there must be something wrong with us when we can’t find ours, yet most women don’t fit into a single “tribe.” We all want that Sex and the City fantasy of going to weekly brunches with our close-knit besties, but the reality is that our closest friends are scattered across the country (and the world, sometimes) and many of them don’t even know each other!
Sometimes the only thing our friends have in common with one another is us! We grow and change as individuals, so our friendships do, too. We collect friendships with each destination we move to, each new job we work, and each new chapter of our lives, so our friendships look more like a patchwork quilt than a perfectly pieced-together puzzle.
THE ONLINE CULTURE
K:
I am a huge fan of embracing the online culture. I know there may still be some stigma over meeting people online even in my age group. But I think that apps & meet-up groups can be a great resource. So much of our life is online right now why not meeting friends online too? In fact I have met some of my best new friends though Instagram hashtags of all places.
Meeting people online isn’t just for online dating. Peanut, Bumble, FB groups, Meet-up groups are all things that I not only recommend to my clients but I have tried with success myself. If its not your thing that’s fine there are so many other great ways to meet people in person too (classes, church, hobby groups, concerts etc) but we can have exposure to so many more cool people we may never would have crossed paths with without it.
C:
All of my best mom friendships have been born of the Internet. I met one friend through Meetup.com, a couple others through Facebook groups after moving to new cities, and I met you while we were both contributing to Detroit Moms Blog! When you become a mom at different times than your “old” friends, when you leave a traditional workplace, or when you find yourself on a sort of house arrest because of a baby, the Internet can be a genuine source of support, especially when you are open to meeting people in person after you’ve connected online.
PLAYDATES
K:
I’ll be honest I am not a fan of playdates. I love my children with all of my heart and I know how important socialization is for them. However, I would rather meet moms and go on sans kiddos outings because we all need an identity of our own. I crave that adult-only time with girlfriends.
I find that if I can have that time to recharge and refresh myself as Kelly, I come back to them as a better mother. Usually when my kids are on playdates its this insane amount of energy and I am constantly worried that they are going to hurt themselves or the friend they are there to play with. In between breaking up fights over toys Im generally a nervous sweating mess and unable to focus on what any adult there is saying.
Again I will do these because my 4 year old expells as much energy as possible and usually falls alseep better (small miracles right?) but where I really get my mojo back is outings where I remember what it was like before two babes called me mommy.
C:
While play dates get moms out of the house, they rarelyprovide an opportunity for moms to connect on a deep enough level to form a lasting friendship or at the very least, to actually let loose and have fun. Don’t get me wrong; isolation is a horrible feeling and playdates can remedy this issue, but a mom can still feel lonely in a crowd of other moms during an often exhausting playdate. The funny thing is that for me, playdates were the most important during the first year of my son’s life, when he wasn’t even old enough to realize what was happening! Mom’s nights out, however, are game changers. These allow women to empathize with each other while also fostering their own identities outside of the role of “mommy.”
What do you think about all things mom tribe, online “dating” and playdates? Share with us your sanity saving tips too!
Leave a Reply